Thursday, August 27, 2009

GQ: America's 25 Douchiest Colleges


20. Morehouse
Home of: The Fonzworth Bentley Douche
A peek inside: Is it possible to be in the International Leadership Program while also being president of Alpha Phi Alpha while also getting all militant about the white power structure while also promoting a biweekly hip-hop showcase? Yes? Then you're just barely keeping up with the status quo at Morehouse—good luck getting into Yale Law!
Affectations: Yellow V-neck sweater with orange-and-blue bow tie; box-seat double date to Coldplay show at Philips Arena.
Most likely to: Be a lawyer by day, black socialite by night.

19. Ohio State
Home of: The Excessive-School-Pride Douche
Affectations: Dressing for class each morning as if you were the offensive-line coach; writing prison letters to Maurice Clarett.
Overheard at Buckeye career-building workshop: "You can put 'Won a national championship' on a résumé, right?"
Most likely to: Suffocate a hapless Boilermakers fan with a giant foam Number One after offhand comment about how the marching band's "Script Ohio" wasn't all that impressive.
Honorable-mention excessive-school-pride institutions: Duke, Michigan, Texas, Penn State, Yeshiva University.

18. Boston University
Home of: The Future Marketing Executives of America Douche
Most likely to: Major in communications and take it seriously.
Overheard at the "Winning in a Down Time: How to Brand Yourself" seminar aftermingle: "CHUG! CHUG! CHUG!"
Thesis topic: "Those Axe Ads: Totally Funny, Bro."

16. USC
Home of: The Giant-Sunglasses Douche
Affectations: Audi Q7 (high school graduation present); tertiary connection to Olsen twin; frosted tips.
Thesis topic: "Steven Spielberg's Gremlins and the Art of the Impossible."
Ten years from now, will be: Living in Laurel Canyon while "producing" a bio-pic on Karch Kiraly and burning endless pounds of the kush.
Honorable-mention crazily expensive institutions: Duke, Tulane, Bennington, Hamilton.

14. Arizona State
Home of: The "Show Us Your T*ts!" Douche
Most likely to: Inadvertently find an Internet picture of that girl from your Robert Ludlum seminar, sunburned and topless while vomiting a melon-ball shooter through her nose.
Favorite pickup line: "I like your boobs."
Profiles in studentia: Roger McFeelings,~ Cincinnati. "I had such an awesome time in Cancún. I got really tan, the girls were hot, and the Ecstasy was almost pure. I was like, I wish Cancún was a college! Then I realized, it is!"
Honorable-mention "show us your t*ts!" institutions: Duke, any state school in Florida or Arizona, U. of Delaware, Dartmouth.
~We only wish there were someone named Roger McFeelings.

11. NYU (I thought of PC from "NYC Prep" when I read this!)
Home of: The "Yeah, I Did That When I Was 17" Douche
Affectations: White Wayfarers; vintage New York Dolls T-shirt; high-concept hat; complaining about how New York City is so gentrified now.
In ten years, will be: Still talking about how you did that when you were 17
7. Amherst College
Home of: The "I Went to a Small liberal-arts College in Massachusetts" Douche
Affectations: Quiet sense of superiority; intense desire to be surrounded by 1,700 people almost exactly like you; Choate soccer jacket.
In ten years, will be: Smart policy guy at State Department that no one listens to.
Douchey mascot: Lord Jeffrey Amherst.
Problem with douchey mascot: Distributed smallpox-infested blankets to Native Americans.

5. Deep Springs
Home of: The "I Went to a School So Exclusive, Only Six People Know About It and Half of Them Are So Smart They're Clinically Insane" Douche
Affectations: Castrating horses; translating Latin; vows of silence.
A peek inside: The campus is a ranch and alfalfa farm near Death Valley, each class has no more than fifteen men, and students spend their time reading Infinite Jest, Remembrance of Things Past, and a little volume by the college's founder (called The Gray Book) that's all about hearing the "Voice of the Desert."
Douchey founder: Lucien Lucius Nunn, who moved the college to the middle of nowhere in California in 1917.
Problem with douchey founder: Some people thought he was a little too interested in the young students.


No comments:

Post a Comment

Related Posts with Thumbnails